Tuesday, December 7, 2010

new World Record!!!

As an extreme adventurer, i have set many a record, most of them probably unbreakable -who would ever dare taking a floaty noodle deeper, spin faster underwater, or swim further upside down? But of all these great achievements, perhaps my most cherished was the deepest apple ever eaten on a single breath, without the use of fins. It was an accumulation of all my talents, and my apotheosis into legend.

However, that record was broken.

As you can clearly see, the little fucker who broke the record -Felix Adolfsson his cursed name be- cheated, for he didn't have the apple in his mouth during neither descent nor ascent. Nor did he have the guts to film it himself. And he only broke it by 2 meters.

So after a time of considerable depression and Rodney Dangerfield levels of "I don't get no respect" (the groupies who naturally flock towards these kind of earth shattering achievements had flapped away and my many sponsors withdrew) i pulled myself out of the black hole this sordid affair had left me with just one thought: to reclaim what was rightfully mine in a way that would leave no doubt as to who was the undisputed king of Constant Apple No Fins. I would double what he'd done. I'd go down to 20.

Now eating an apple at 20 meters is not for the faint of heart. Merely considering it takes cojones the size of, well, apples. But this is why i am an extreme adventurer, my mind can go to these places -and my balls will follow. I envisioned not only a dive to 20, but doing it in a way and an outfit suitable for the grandness of the occasion.

In order to achieve this enormously ambitious plan, i prepared for months, getting together a crew of top notch professionals, sparing no expense, and eating literally tens and tens of apples. I honed my diving skills and did nightly visualizations. Since i'm breaking new grounds here, there are no other experts, but everyone i talked to about this project said it'd be impossible. Well, impossible is my middle name! (actually, my middle names are Petrus Johannes -the request to have them adjusted is still being processed)

All the preparations came together Friday December the 3rd, along with experts from 4 different countries, in the 20 meter deep pool in Siegburg, Germany, called dive4life . The glorious and graceful outcome you can see here:

Now that it is done, i am quite content with the outcome, and a little surprised as well. You see, not only did i break the record i intended to break -and break it hard- i also broke 2 other ones. That's the deepest rescue of bikini bottoms no fins you'll ever see, and i officially created the world biggest camel toe. I'd like to see anyone try and beat this

super bikini man


Anonymous said...

Who's the (super) man now!!!! hahaha, great movie Daan, try sushi no fins next time, makes you burp much louder! CU Danny

SeBiArt said...

Congratulations on being the World's Biggest (and possibly funniest) Goof-Ass as well. I REALLY enjoyed that - so much so, that I've fwded it on to several, including other divers - world record holders too - so expect a challenge or two. Or that's wot'am hopin'. *cheese*

And if it's also about the burb-bow at the end, what would happen if you took a no fin dive with half a bottle of ginger ale (since ya love ginger so much)? I imagine there may be pressure issues, but if surmountable perhaps you could wear the cape of SuperBurpMan also!

You IS maD mate, MAD!